How we change as Christians is realizing that God's love never changes;
the change is how we receive such a powerful love.
Growing up.I grew up in a christian household so I cannot pin point when God and I actually "met," but I don't think that really matters. I've been blessed with a family who supported me through my childhood and let me experience my own religious views, even though I've never really strayed far from Christianity.
When I lived on the east coast up until middle school, my mom took me to church regularly and got plugged into the Sunday school, including participating in the youth choir and plays. And then when I moved to Durango, Colorado (from middle school to graduation), I was blessed to get plugged into a youth group, JOLT -Joining Our Lives Together- early. I grew so much in JOLT, ending up being on the student leadership team for the church, First United Methodist Church. While I lived in Durango, I went through confirmation, went on three mission trips, did a lot of community service, and was able to be apart of many of the youth. I loved it so much, as it was a big part of my life. But if you've noticed, I haven't really started talking about my relationship with God - because it was pretty basic. I had my moments where I hungered for Him, but most of my teen years, I felt that I was in the place He wanted me to be, that I know enough of God to live a regular "Christian lifestyle," and [I thought] I was content. | College.My relationship with God never really took off until my second year began in August 2011 - pretty much where I let it go. I mean, where I finally realized I wasn't happy where I was... I wanted a change. I wanted to open up to God - full heart, full mind, full soul. I wanted Him to empower me with His most awesomeness, to see what He sees, to feel what He feels. In a way, I just gave up and said "Here I am" - I am vulnerable, and I want to be recreated in your image.
I wanted Him to use me this year - which I ended up asking him to put somebody other than my family and flatmates to pray for this year. God answered with two people: The first guy I barely knew (but after 3 months, we became very good friends, and I prayed for him almost every day whether it was for just his well-being, or school, or family, and actually now, he's asking me to pray for him and some of his struggles :)) and the second person I had yet to meet (which, when I met her, I felt like God initiated a [Facebook] *poke* war with me whenever I was with her.) Asking for a change was probably the best thing I've ever done in my life. And not just asking, but hungering for the change. Hungering to be His child, to be loved. And all during the semester, I had breakthrough after breakthrough - that He loves me so. For kind of a full story of what exactly happened to me during the semester - you can read about it in one of my blog posts called "unshakable" - here |
Struggles.When I was little, I used to be really innocent, like most kids are I guess. Seeing the world as God formed it. For example, it wasn't until I was in middle school when I understood racism. I saw every single person as a unique form -all the same figure, but different form I guess. It's hard to explain. It was hard for me to realize that people didn't see the same way I did. I was considered a "good" kid in the sense I never partied, did drugs, alcohol, rarely lied (okay, got caught for lying), did well in school, attended church and youth group, hung out with the "right" people - never really "sinned." ---which I learned is a lie, a lie masked by Satan telling me that it was alright like that.
For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. James 2:10 I've done a lot in my life. More good than bad I want to say, but I can't. I have been judged that I was a "good" teenager" --- it doesn't matter that I didn't do a lot of "bad" actions (like drugs, alcohol, etc) - because I am still guilty. I am still sinful. I may not have done the action, but I definitely have had thoughts which ends up being all in the same. Even if I was perfect through and through and I made one mistake - either a thought or an action - I would be deemed unworthy to enter the kingdom of God after I passed my life on Earth. Only Jesus Christ can save me because He was punished - He was hurt - He died - because of the sin I did. And because of that, I'm accepted in God's Kingdom to party with Jesus :) I've always struggled with identity. Whether it is my own or figuring out someone else's. Most of the time, I have been manipulated into another identity. I've made a lot of mistakes because of false actions, and I'm still struggling with regrets. But one of the things I've learned recently is the only way I can get over any thing troublesome in my life is to talk about it - not just to God, but with someone else. God created us to be dependent on relationship, for which we become vulnerable, like a child, to our friends and family. And I've realized that I want to be that innocent child again. I am a child of God - ever growing and hungering after her father. | Epiphany.
(Just something that I was talking with Kaitlyn about when we decided to drive an hour out of town and back talking about how good God is...)
Didn't you realize that Jesus loves you? No really, Jesus…loves you. He loves us all. But he really loves you. Not as a bunch of people, But individually. He died on the cross For you. Isn’t that amazing? Jesus. Loves. You. He really…loves you. Imagine if you will, You told a lie. Because you told a lie, your mom had an unbearable pain in her stomach. You realize what you’ve done, and try to cover up the lie, with another lie. Now your dad is on the floor writhing in pain. You lusted after a girl/guy and your roommate’s hand is broken. You don’t know what to do. Everybody you love is in pain because of you. Because you sinned. Jesus loves us so much, he took away all the pain. And put it on Himself. You went over the speed limit. Jesus has an unbearable pain. You disobeyed your parents. Jesus is writhing on the floor. It’s so easy to sin because it doesn’t hurt us. For the majority, we’re not seeing anyone in pain. Except, Jesus is in pain. He is dying over and over and over again for the sins we continue to make, because it is everyday to us. And He still loves us. He has this unbelievable love that no matter how many times we hurt him, He STILL loves us. And it’s so hard to accept this. Because in this world, we have to earn that kind of love. It’s hard to realize that it’s unconditional. His love NEVER changes. How much He loves us – it never changes. The only thing that changes is how we accept this love. If I saw my parents writhing in pain when I told a lie, I would do a whole lot to try not sinning again. So if I realize that Jesus, my friend, is writing in pain when I speed, why wouldn’t I try not sinning again? Just something to think about. Other things to think about: He STILL loves us. <3 |